If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably