Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them