Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac