Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch