She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog