I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread