I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.