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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
The answer is funnier than the question
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers