I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*