Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Why is everyone getting married at me
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I love the honesty
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits