My neighbor thinks I’m generous because I gave her a bunch of stuff from my freezer. Actually I was just making more room for the vodka.
This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.
I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.
I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.
I darkened my hair and now people expect me to be smart too. It’s exhausting. Send bleach.
My good mood is directly related to me. Don’t flatter yourself.
Doc: You need to increase your protein intake.
Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*
I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.
Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.
I don’t wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.