Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you