[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball: