last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
You Might Also Like
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.