Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Spa day..😅
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars