Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
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I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.