If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
EMOTICON GUIDE
馃檪 I’m happy
馃槈 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
馃檨 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resum茅 list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.