YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
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*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.