“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.