My son’s blood type is parmesan.
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“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works