Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
