My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
🍞🦆
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
🙀🙀🙀😹
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.