All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.