The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
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Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I unironically love this joke.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.