a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform