The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
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If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible