THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
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Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves