@laurenreeves

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

@laurenreeves

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

@laurenreeves

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

@laurenreeves

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”