Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
don’t be scared
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band