her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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Breaking news:
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
doing your own taxes
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.