Me with a mouth full of chips: Oh man my gym is closed
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
what do we want?
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway