@lazerdoov: So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs... one time I drank gasoline.
@lazerdoov: My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
@lazerdoov: *Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I'm hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
@lazerdoov: Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Interviewer: you're hired welcome to Subway
@lazerdoov: Went to my uncle's funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
@lazerdoov: *bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
@lazerdoov: *on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
@lazerdoov: *in a job interview*
No no it's not a teardrop tattoo it's supposed to be sweat. It shows I'm a hard worker