Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of lazerdoov's best tweets

@lazerdoov : *on a first date* Me: I'm in financ- Her: oh finance that's cool Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

@lazerdoov: So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs... one time I drank gasoline.

@lazerdoov: My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

@lazerdoov: *Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I'm hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

@lazerdoov: Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you're hired welcome to Subway

@lazerdoov: Went to my uncle's funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

@lazerdoov: *bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

@lazerdoov: *on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

@lazerdoov: *in a job interview*

No no it's not a teardrop tattoo it's supposed to be sweat. It shows I'm a hard worker

@lazerdoov: The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold