Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.