My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE