Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
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If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]