If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.