Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of leakypod's best tweets

@leakypod : i don’t know how many diet cokes u need to drink to lose weight but so far it isn’t seven

@leakypod: date: i like reading horoscopes

me: lol none of that is real idiot

date: um okay what do u do for fun

me: i play fantasy football

@leakypod: therapist: eliminate the negative energy from your life

me: [nods] stop eating vegetables

therapist: no

@leakypod: car salesman: this one is self-driving

me: [not impressed] i literally always drive by myself

car salesman: that’s not-

me: do u have any that come with friends

@leakypod: boomers: video games teach kids that dying has no consequence, you can’t respawn in real life ya know

boomers 20 years ago: shut up and watch this coyote die repeatedly while attempting murder

@leakypod: [family using ouija board after my death]

brother: how is heaven?

me: S U C K S

brother: why?

me: N O D R U G S

brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too

me: J K M O M H A H A

@leakypod: Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha

Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup

@leakypod: Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes

@leakypod: Friend: whats wrong

Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific