[first day as a lawyer]

me: guiltypeoplesaywhat


me: lol damn. i thought that would work, ur honor

judge: ….what

me: [eyes narrow]


snape: how will we protect the stone

dumbledore: obstacles that only a powerful wizard could beat

snape: so like hypothetically 3 twelve year olds couldnt beat them



dumbledore: i mean i hope not


[first day as a paramedic]

me: omg sir were u stabbed

bullfighter: no i was fighting a bull

me: [gasps] who gave the bull a knife


[watching sunset]

me: wow its pretty

gf: funny how the slow death of something that once burned so passionately can be beautiful

me: haha what lol

gf: we need to talk


ron weasley: i have to use old books

harry potter: wow

ron: and torn up shitty clothes

harry: yuck lol

ron: would be crazy if my best friend had a vault full of gold and could maybe help me out a little

harry: ya lmao that would be crazy


teacher: why did richard nixon resign

me: uh i dont know. dam

teacher: watergate

me: that’s what i said


[packing for camping trip]

me: need portable lights

jack: a flashlight?

me: nah, the bigger one with a handle

jack: oh, lantern?


spotify: hey remember those songs u played nonstop this year

me: yes

spotify: are u sick of them

me: [nods] so sick of them

spotify: would u like to listen to all of them again 🙂

me: yes 🙂


me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out



hitman: is this ur garbage


winery employee: can u tell what this one has hints of


winery employee:

me: hm [swirls glass, sniffs] grapes