@leapeajo

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

@leapeajo

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

@leapeajo

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

@leapeajo

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

@leapeajo

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

@leapeajo

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

@leapeajo

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

@leapeajo

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain