Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science