not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone