starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
You Might Also Like
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Worth a try
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
only 11 steps left
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Very good! 👍😂
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age