Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
They’re the worst 😩
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom