If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier