My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
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*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.