Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
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watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
the council will decide your fate
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
When he asks for feet pics
Ghost costume 😂
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Sniffing the broccoli
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it