*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
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I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I’d hang this in my house.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Beware…..