all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I think I’m having a stroke
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you