white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
rise and shine we got egg
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
bought wrong eggs
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
