the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
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I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.