I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep鈥lobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful鈥攄amn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The future is now.
Oh, you鈥檙e a witch? Name three children you鈥檝e eaten.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Baby rabbits馃惏 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I鈥檓 watching something on it.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it鈥檚 when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let鈥檚 watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I鈥檓 gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
How do you get the farmer鈥檚 daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.