You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..