*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”