Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.