My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”